I'm trying to remember the advice I've heard/seen over the years... Keep a journal & record EVERYHING. All the offers you make/things you do, and all that she does. Keep notes of witnesses who will back you up. She can't cut you out of the bank account- she has to support the kids. She can't cut off your medical/dental insurance. Make sure you get a lawyer who specializes in military divorces- don't get snowed by someone who says they aren't any different. There's a lot of crap that is specific to the military and an unschooled lawyer can really get you hosed. Set everything in writing; her word is no good. Stick to your obligations and make note of how she handles hers.
((hugs)) to you on being a better parent than she is. Stick to it- the kids need you to be 'normal' for them.
Oh, and don't bad-mouth her. But if she says crap about you, write it down & see if you've got witnesses. Keep printouts of emails & text messages!
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