From: Gary Bettman <[email protected]>
Sent: Tuesday, July 20, 2010
To: Lou Lamoriello <[email protected]>
Subject: Kovalchuk contract
Lou,
I regret to inform you that the contract agreed upon between Ilya Kovalchuk, his agent Jay Grossman and the New Jersey Devils for $103 million dollars over 17 years has been rejected by the league due to cap circumvention. The various detailed reasons for our ruling are listed below.
-The NHL deems it to be cap circumvention for a player to sign a contract taking them to age 44, or, as it is more commonly known, “Chris Chelios’ Prime”.
-The NHL’s “Email Expert” has found evidence that this was a retirement contract, based on information obtained from your personal email. To answer what is sure to be your follow up question, yes, we have in fact re-hired Ted Saskin.
-The NHL did not agree with your comments that “since the Red Wings signed Zetterberg and Franzen to similar deals, there is no reason to void Kovalchuk’s contract”. Zetterberg and Franzen will both be 40 at the end of their deals and there is no reason for the league to believe they won’t be playing at that age, because it is still lower than the average age on Detroit
-A 17-year contract is not an appropriate number of years. Rick DiPietro’s 15-year contract is a special circumstance, and the league only allowed that deal because we felt bad that DiPietro lifted the pen to sign the contract and broke his arm.
The final years on the contract are too low in salary and it is obvious that the player has no interest in honoring the contract’s final years. We understand that Chris Pronger’s contract has the same structure, and we were planning on rejecting that contract too, but Pronger stole our VOID Stamps.
-The NHL’s insurance policy would not allow us to insure the contract, due to a “questionable medical history, specifically a chronic choking condition”.
-Finally, we scrutinize the dollar value of every deal and the NHL finds $6 million per season to be drastic overpayment for a player who has played in only 27 NHL games. We acknowledge that you have sent us his career statistics, but those numbers list 594 games played for the Atlanta Thrashers. Please send the league support documents outlining what franchise this is, what league they play in and who their owner is, because we have never heard of this team.

Please note that you now have 3 options available to you. 1 – you can re-submit a revised contract; 2 – you can file a grievance and we will take up the matter with the same arbitrator that ruled against Jim Balsille; or 3 – you can agree to have the contract voided and work out a new deal, while also giving Dean Lombardi and the LA Kings a thirteenth chance to re-open negotiations.

I look forward to hearing from you.
Yours truly,
Gary Bettman

p.s. While writing this email, an unidentified man ran by my office 5 times and tried to throw a puck at me but kept missing wide. I know you’re upset but please tell Kovalchuk to stop it.

Holy fucking fuck...Boyes couldn't suck a dick if it landed in his mouth.

While writing this email, an unidentified man ran by my office 5 times and tried to throw a puck at me but kept missing wide. I know you’re upset but please tell Kovalchuk to stop it.

No need for violence, just tell her she's got a game misconduct and show her the door.

As I said in the GDT, the call on Rivet was horseshit. The Bruins player was holding onto Rivet's stick like it was the last fucking raft on the Titanic.

Awesomesauce.

Awesomesauce.