I will post here, in the spirit of... commiseration. Or something. Self-centeredness, too. These are things I can change, though, and am trying to...
I'm ridiculously behind in three of my classes. That's not very good to say the least, and the end of the semester is creeping up pretty rapidly. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! I've done it to myself, though.
The past few days have been nice because it's Thanksgiving break (which ends tomorrow
), but the past five weeks leading up to this I've averaged 3-4 hours of sleep a night, not including Friday nights which are usually 7-8 hours. I'm never tired at night (sleep so much Friday due to the ability to sleep in), but every day sucks.
I'm tired of being smart and logical and good at writing. That's all I've ever been. I want to be seen as feminine and caring and sensitive and as a whole person capable of being involved in other people's lives and as something more than a walking brain that can do anything as far as a profession goes. I dislike the compliments I get the most often and want ones I'm never given.
I'm tired of pressure to succeed when in reality I turn in most of my homework late and don't care about it at all. My parents think I get all A's, which I'm very capable of and got all through high school, but I'm tired of the system by now and don't care for unnecessary work and learn from classes while getting B's and C's because I just don't care to play that game, even though internally I still pressure myself to do better than I do because for so many years that's where my worth was in my family and without it there is nothing. Basically I refuse to buy into the system anymore while concurrently expecting myself to have a 4.0.
I want to be able to function socially without needing an extremely extroverted friend to leech off of, because what will my social life be like after I graduate and those people aren't there anymore?
Again, I
really want to be appreciated for everything I am.
I've been using dopamine and endorphins released via various means to cope since I was nine years old, and I have no idea what it's like to live without anything there. I'm trying, but as stated in another thread every day feels like the first day of school after being homeschooled my entire life all over again.
Well, that was cathartic.
I agree with a lot of what you said. I was the same way in college, perfectly capable of getting a 4.0, or close to it (I have a 148 IQ), but I was apathetic about a lot of my classes.
The big issue is in most things I do, I don't feel like I'm using my whole brain. Even if the task is difficult and I am succeeding at a high level, I just don't feel like I'm being useful. That all changed when I started writing a lot.
The only thing I've ever done where I feel like I'm using every iota of my intelligence is tell stories. There is so much that goes into creating a world, describing it, creating people, having them interact with that world, coming up with dialogue, and at the same time advancing a plot, that I finally feel like I'm contributing something to the world instead of taking up space.
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