Family goes out of town so I'm looking forward to some much needed rest. One quiet night without any flip-flopping in the bed next to me or crying from the other room at 3am. I go to bed a little early to enjoy my perfect night of sleep, and then...

I wake to the sound of nature. It's no big deal, I'm used to hearing squirrels or birds on my secluded and wooded lot. Except something doesn't sound right - a distinct flapping noise that seems too loud for 4am. Then, through my cloudy vision I see it - a vicious, blood thirsty bat the size of a condor hovering over me, sizing up a value-sized meal of O-positive sangre.

I instinctively and adeptly shoulder roll out of bed a moment before the initial attack. The flying creature eats pillow as I make a break for the door. In one motion I turn the light and ceiling fan on as I slam the door behind me, trapping the beast inside. I supply up with heavy leather farm gloves, a towel, and a tennis racket. With time on my side, I develope a counter attack and draw up the operational plan.

It's at this moment when warriors are made - the coming moments before action must be taken. A mortal man would've simply slept on the basement couch, running from conflict, giving in to adversity and the forces of nature. A true warrior adapts, overcomes, and improvises. A true warrior takes back what is rightfully his, what has been infringed upon by the enemy. A warrior goes to battle, not knowing or caring for his safety. He knows that what is at stake means far more...liberty, justice, and a soft bed with a pillow!

I return up the stairs, knowing that before this is over one of us will be gone. Armed with my tennis racket and a superior intellect, I conduct reconnaissance by opening the door ever so slightly. I spot my nemesis, think of my wife and daughter for just a moment, and go into action. The raptor is bewildered by my speed of attack and flies wildly away from my weapon at it swoops toward him. My quick thinking from earlier pays off as he flies into the jaws of the ceiling fan. The rabies-laden monster is momentarily stunned and falls limply to the floor. I allow this intruder no quarter as I take advantage of my upper hand. I cover the hairy beast with the towel, go to the front porch, and vanquish my conquered enemy to the realm of mother nature, where he can fly again to terrorize some other warm-blooded victim.

After the dust settles, my weapons stored, I return to the scene of the epic battle and reflect upon the past. Previous struggles for freedom, and the sacrifices of men on behalf of their loved ones leave indelible memories. No, I will not soon forget what I've been through, and the risk I took to have a bedroom free of chiropteras. Soon I will be able to see my wife and daughter again. I will offer a long and emotional embrace, never for them to know exactly why. For now, I sit here decompressing from the ordeal, and just a little too creeped out to go back to bed. My training tells me that at times like these, when others might internalize the stress of battle, it's best to vent. I take keyboard in hand...

Win of the day.

lol - what kind of bird was it?

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haha, really good story, but the ecologist in me saysssss:

that bat wasn't going to bite you. unless it really did have rabies. but less than .5% of bats actually have rabies. i would get it tested if i were you, especially if it really did bite your pillow.

also there are a bunch of different ways to catch a bat without killing it...it's not like 10 years ago when killing a bat or two wasn't a big deal due to WNS. if you want to know why, etc, see my "awesome" thread.

Bird...no, this was a blood sucking varmint, the likes of which have rarely been survived to describe it. A bona-fide chiroptera...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bat

In all seriousness, it was a bat about the size of my hand with it's wings open. I'm a little concerned about how it got into the bedroom. I'm sure it was through an opening from the crawl space into my closet, but now I wonder if there are more back there, and why. The battle may not be over quite yet...

Oh Pat, it didn't really attack me and I wasn't worried about it biting me. I may have taken a slight bit of artistic license in my first post. Maybe I can't recall the details properly from the fog of war...

I'll have to wait on inspecting my crawl space though, since I'm stuck here at court. I think the judge is wondering why I'm typing on the witness stand. I've got my priorities, and figuring out this bat situation takes precedence over this stupid robbery case. Gee whiz judge...he's guilty, can we just go now???

if you have a picture of the bat, i'd love to see it. and if you do have more in your crawl space, let me know, cause there is a very easy way to let them get out at night and they won't be able to get back in. no death is good.

Haha...good stuff man, although I dont think you laid the drama on as thick as I might (and why you went in with a tennis racket instead of a shotgun is BEYOND me ) but quite a good yarn my friend.

heh...thanks for the chuckle 1980

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Hold my beer and watch this...

Pat, I do have a picture. It's of it's vicious claws, daggers for teeth, huge swooping wings and eyes that burned like fire. It's not on digital or film though, it's in my head.

You should have whipped out your glock and blown his ass up.

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Wheelhouse

That was a great story to start the day hahaha

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mechaphil

then what happened?

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You can take any old story and add some flashy words and make it very exciting.

1980, you have some good artistic ways of recreating stories and making them very interesting.

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I credit Bill Watterson for any slim amount of creativity I may possess. A decade of reading "Calvin and Hobbes" (and the entire collection on the shelf) will rub off eventually.

Nice story...as a woman, my first instinct would be:

UUUGHHHHHHHHHHHHH A BAT!!!!
KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT!

And hide under the bed, till you were done!

Or closed the bedroom door (with bat in room)---and wait for you to get home so I could say KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT!!

(I have the same reaction over moths...go figure! LOL)

NICE! im such a huge C&H fan that my next tattoo is going to be hobbes.

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Probably not such a great life decision, but hey, your body, your canvas.

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I agree NYI, make the tattoo of Susie Durkins getting a face full of the perfect snow/ice ball...now THAT'S a tattoo!!!

What would you say to my plan of getting a 3/4 sleeve of Viking tattoos on my right arm?

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mechaphil

Yours is pretty fucking epic. Mike's is fucking tigger.

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Dude don't hate. That comic means a lot to a lot of people.

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mechaphil