He is only NHL's 2nd star of the day, no big deal. If he had four assists like Sedin I would be psyched

So 4 assists is more impressive then 4 goals...

If he were to score 4 a game, we'd be in good shape.

If he were to score 4 a game, we'd be in good shape.

If he were to score 4 a game, we'd be in good shape.

Private to Thomas Vanek: Hey there, little buddy. That was quite a game you had last night. Where did that burst of Atlasness come from? We were all getting a little worried that Atlas was gone forever. Listen, I know that you and I have had our differences in the past (and I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but I’ve almost completely stopped calling you a “slag-faced whore” out of respect for your incredibly obvious low self esteem issues), but I’ve always secretly liked you a little bit. Don’t ask me why. So, good work last night. I’m proud of you. I think you should score four goals per game in the playoffs. Doesn’t that sound fun?

I’ll make a deal with you Thomas. If you get hot in the playoffs, I promise to do my best to remain truly disgusted with you every time I’m in the arena. You and I have established a CLEAR pattern. Just when I have been driven to genuine disgust at your play, I temporarily lose sympathy for you, I say something mean….and then you score. I think you scored at least 15 of your goals this way this season. You disgust me, I yell cruel things at you, you score. Apparently you like to be abused, which is a little sad but not at all surprising.

So Thomas, I promise to cast aside my affection and give you the abuse you so desperate crave. I’ll do this because I love you.

(This vow does not nullify my previous requests for you to seek professional help for your low self-esteem issues. I don’t want to abuse you. I want you to be happy and healthy and capable of scoring without being called a disgusting pile of puke.)