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Kaleta and Ruutu
(Re-interpreted by ETC from David and Goliath)
4. And there came out a champion from the camp of motherfucking Ottawa, named Ruutu, of Ottawa, whose height was six cubits and a span.
5. And he had a helmet of bronze upon his head, and he was armed with a coat of mail; and the weight of the coat was five thousand shekels of bronze.
6. And he had greaves of bronze upon his legs, and a javelin of bronze between his shoulders.
7. And the staff of his spear was like a weaver’s beam; and his spear’s head weighed six hundred shekels of iron; and a shield bearer went before him.
8. And he stood and shouted to the players of Buffalo, and said to them, Why have you come out to set your battle in array? Am I not a motherfucking Senator, and you servants to Lindy? Choose a man for you, and let him come down to me.
9. If he is able to fight with me, and kill me, then will we be your servants; but if I prevail against him, and kill him, then shall you be our servants, and serve us.
10. And the motherfucking Senator said, I defy the players and fans of Buffalo this day; give me a man, that we may fight together.
11. When Lindy and all Buffalo heard those words of the motherfucking Senator, they were dismayed, and greatly afraid.
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26. And Kaleta spoke to the men who stood by him, saying, What shall be done to the man who kills this motherfucking Senator, and takes away the reproach from Buffalo? for who is this uncircumcised Senator, that he should defy the the living God's hockey team and fans?
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31. And when the words were heard which Kaleta spoke, they repeated them before Lindy; and he sent for him.
32. And Kaleta said to Lindy, Let no man’s heart fail because of him; your servant will go and fight with this motherfucking Senator.
33. And Lindy said to Kaleta, You are not able to go against this motherfucker to fight with him; for you are just a youth, and he a man of war from his youth.
34. And Kaleta said to Lindy, Your servant kept his father’s team, and there came a Leaf, and a Hab, and took a Sabre from the flock;
35. And I went out after him, and struck him, and rescued it from its mouth; and when he arose against me, I caught him by its beard, and struck him, and slew him.
36. Your servant slew both the Leaf and the Hab; and this uncircumcised Senator shall be as one of them, seeing he has defied the team of the living God.
37. And Kaleta said, The Lord who saved me from the glove of the Leaf, and from the glove of the Hab, he will save me from the hand of this Senator. And Lindy said to Kaleta, Go, and the Lord be with you.
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40. And he took his stick in his hand, and chose five smooth pucks from the rink, and put them in the puck bag which he had, and in his equipment bag; and his stick was in his hand; and he drew near to the motherfucking Ottawan.
41. And the motherfucking Ottawan came on and drew near to Kaleta; and the man who carried the shield went before him.
42. And when the motherfucking Ottawan looked around, and saw Kaleta, he disdained him; for he was but a youth, brown haired and good looking.
43. And the motherucking Ottawan said to Kaleta, Am I a dog, that you come to me with sticks? And the motherfucking Sen cursed Kaleta by his gods.
44. And the motherfucking Ottawan said to Kaleta, Come to me, and I will give your flesh to the birds of the air, and to the beasts of the field.
45. Then said Kaleta to the motherfucking Ottawan, You come to me with a sword, and with a spear, and with a javelin; but I come to you in the name of the Lord of the Sabres, the God of the players and fans of Buffalo, whom you have defied.
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48. And it came to pass, when the motherfucking Senator arose, and came and drew near to meet Kaleta, that Kaleta hurried, and skated toward the army to meet the motherfucking Senator.
49. And Kaleta put his hand in his bag, and took from there a puck, and shot it, and struck the motherfucking Senator in his forehead, so that the puck sunk his forehead; and he fell upon his face to the ice.
50. So Kaleta prevailed over the motherfucking Senator with a stick and with a puck, and struck the motherfucking Senator, and slew him; but there was no sword in the hand of Kaleta.
51. And Kaleta skated, and stood upon the motherfucker, and took his sword, and drew it from its sheath, and slew him, and cut off his head with it. And when the motherfucking Ottawans saw that their champion was dead, they fled.
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Oh lord, it's hard to be humble, when you're perfect in every way. I can't wait to look in the mirror, 'cause I get better looking each day. To know me is to love me, I must be a hell of a man. Oh lord, it's hard to be humble, but I'm doin' the best that I can.
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