http://www.dearblankpleaseblank.com/hilarious.php

Dear Kanye,
Please don't ever interrupt me again. I will cut you.
Sincerely, Taylor Swift

Dear Christians,
Please stop speaking for me.
Sincerely, God

Dear energy-saving coworker who religiously turns off the lights after leaving the restroom,
You might be overdoing it.
Sincerely, I'm still in here.

(had that happen to me)

Dear microwave,
Why is my plate so hot and my food so cold?
Sincerely, Hans

Dear Hipsters I work with,
Please stop with the skinny jeans. You look like really ugly girls.
Sincerely, No One Wants to See Your Balls.

Dear Twilight Fans,
Thank you for making us look sane and well-adjusted.
Sincerely, Trekkies.

_________________
Proud LGBTQQ Individual

Dear Waistband,
You're the BEST!
Sincerely, Hidden Boner

_________________
Proud LGBTQQ Individual

Dear Buffy,
We have a new assignment for you. His name is Edward.
Sincerely, K.

HAHAHA

_________________

Dear person reading this,
You're here because you're actively procrastinating or avoiding real work, aren't you? It's OK...me too.
Sincerely, I'll work tomorrow.

Dear Cows,
Please continue to be tasty.
Sincerely, Chickens.

_________________

Dear Canada,
First Celine Dion and now Justin Bieber? Countries have declared war for FAR less than this.
Sincerely, Consider yourself warned.

_________________
"Counting all the assholes in the room, I'm definitely not alone!" ~ Michael Poulsen, Volbeat, Still Standing.

Dear underwear,
Please stop trying to jam yourself up my asshole. If I wanted cotton in my lower intestine, I would have swallowed a pair of socks.
Sincerely, Anonymous.

_________________
"Counting all the assholes in the room, I'm definitely not alone!" ~ Michael Poulsen, Volbeat, Still Standing.

My original one:

Dear Confused Men

I have a bleached asshole.

Love, Artymus.

_________________
"Counting all the assholes in the room, I'm definitely not alone!" ~ Michael Poulsen, Volbeat, Still Standing.

Dear Camwhores of the Internet,
Please stop making that ridiculous-looking kissyface thing with your lips in every picture you post on Facebook.
Sincerely, The rest of the Internet.

Dear Mr. Matthews,
Please stop coming to my fence and asking for advice. We all have our problems like me wanting to water my plants in peace.
Sincerely, Mr. Feeny.

Dear six-fingered man,
You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Sincerely, Inigo Montoya.

_________________
Miles to go before I sleep

‎"Love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation."
-Khalil Gibran

I watched The Princess Bride last night at a friend's house, haha.

_________________

Dear homophobic dudes,
Please stop assuming every gay man wants you and will attack you because you think you're hot. You're not that hot.
Sincerely, Gay dude.

_________________
Miles to go before I sleep

‎"Love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation."
-Khalil Gibran

Dear Facebook friends from high school,
I enjoy keeping tabs on how fat and unsuccessful you've become. Keep the misguided status updates and wholly unflattering photo albums coming.
Sincerely, Tina.

Dear Soccer Fans,
B B B B B B Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z!
Sincerely, Vuvuzelas.

Dear Team Edward,
Our vampire could kick your vampire's ass.
Sincerely, Team Dracula.

_________________
"Call a cop he robbed Delmore blind!!!"
Rick Jeanerette after Marty Biron's diving save back in 2000.

"I'm going to go to the spa and have a hot tub and massage and relax," Miller said. "That's it, and it's back to work tomorrow." Ryan Miller after clinching the North East division.

Dear Penis
Please stop making REALLY FUCKING RETARDED decisions for me.
Thanks, the rest of me.

Dear bed,
Thanks for making me hate getting up in the morning.
Sincerely, everybody

_________________

Dear flat chested girls,
Please don't give up. We exist.
Sincerely, Guys who like small boobs.

Dear Grouchy Feminists,
Please don't take my chivalry the wrong way. I'm opening a door for you because it's courteous, not because I think you can't do it yourself.
Sincerely, A Nice Guy.

_________________
"Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid." ~ Han Solo


We truly are not worthy of Miller!

hahahahaha to the whole umm, wtf? section

_________________
"Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid." ~ Han Solo


We truly are not worthy of Miller!

Dear Gene Pool,
Please add chlorine.
Sincerely, Darwin.

BAH HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
OMFG
ROFL

_________________

Dear Pretty Girls,
Please stop falling for the jocks. They really aren't going anywhere in life.
Sincerely, Your average nerd.

Dear Little Brother,
Please stop smoking. You're only 16, and you look completely stupid. It's amazing that our grandmother and grandfather died of lung cancer and yet you still do it. Grow up.
Sincerely, Us

_________________
"Counting all the assholes in the room, I'm definitely not alone!" ~ Michael Poulsen, Volbeat, Still Standing.

Dear Traumatized Son,
Please learn to freakin' knock.
Sincerely, Mom and Dad.

_________________
Check out my website: http://www.artistzero.com

"That wasn't very nice...I do believe you killed my hat."

Driver of the FIRE LINDY RUFF Bandwagon since 2008.

Holy Crap those a great. On that note....


Dear Guy Who Comes In And Shits At The Same Time as Me Every FUCKING Morning.....,

There are ten fucking empty stalls at 8 AM,
Why must you alway pop a squat next to me?
And why must you announce your presence daily,
with what can only be described as a blast from a French Horn covered in wet mud?
Whoever you are, go fuck yourself. I know what shoes you wear,
and I WILL find you one of these days.......

_________________
"I can't really hear what Jeremy says, because I got my two Stanley Cup Rings plugging my ears...." -Patrick Roy in reference to Jeremy Roenick's trash talking

Haha, I always noticed what shoes people wore while pooping. Also, where I used to work, we all had ID cards, and many people clipped them to their belts, so often times you got to look at a little 1x1.5 smiling photo of whoever you were pooping next to.



On another note, I was coming back from Buffalo from the Allentown Art Festival/Bisons Game this past summer and, like always stopped at the Pembroke rest area. I walk in, and pick a random urinal near the door. Anyone who has been to the rest area knows that the line of urinals stretches all the way to Canada. It's around 1am so there isn't a soul in the bathroom. Some weirdo comes in and decides to pee in the urinal RIGHT NEXT TO ME. I seriously wanted to turn and just pee all over him, but my shy bladder probably wouldn't have let that happen. And let's face it, turning and waving your dong at someone is just awkward.

_________________
Proud LGBTQQ Individual