I am a Christian. Also, after typing up the rest of this, long post is long.
I was raised in a Christian household, but when I was young, my father was not the greatest example, to say the least (there were only moments then; he is different now, although he still has a short fuse; I am very glad that my youngest brothers will never know what he once was, though it is odd for me because I cannot seem to adjust what I think of him to the current image, and he doesn't understand why it's so difficult to do that... anyway, just wanted to say that he's different now, because he deserves credit for that). Because of him, I can remember thinking from a
very young age about the disconnect between what I heard every week and what my father was like; I was maybe three when I started paying attention in that way. I didn't yet realize that there was a difference between simply claiming to believe and follow something and actually doing so. We went to church every Sunday and all that jazz, though I would say that a good 75+% of churchgoers are only there for the image, or for something to do, or for a way to maintain some kind of social life when they have nothing else. That's not true of my childhood church, though... They're wonderful people, and it's not at all a typical church... For one thing, it met in a barn. But that is a non-sequitur, though one i feel I should mention so as not to do an unkindness to them.
When I was ten, I began questioning
everything. By the time I was twelve, the idea of Christianity completely repulsed me; I saw within it too many contradictions and cruelties. I still tried, though, to hold onto it, because by that point I needed some stability; I had a lot of anger and rage, along with depression that manifested in doing everything self-destructive that a young adolescent can do, minus the things that I did not have access to. Honestly, a couple of them still follow me because they became addictions, in time, and those thoughts and desires are still there every single day. Despite that, though, looking back at things that I wrote then, I still maintained a rational viewpoint. That core never left.
Aaaanyway. I still tried to hold onto it, but I was lying to myself and to others, even as i did that. I grew more and more disenfranchised, particularly because of the youth group I was attending at the time. I saw their gimmicks and felt the loneliness of not having anyone to talk to within that group because I was too different and wanted none of it, not one bit of fitting into that mold. I could not at all relate to that mindset anymore, and I still can't and hopefully never will.
For all intents and purposes, I was an agnostic for quite a while. My intense curiosity got the better of me, though, and my thinking changed to the point that I decided to give everything a chance. I read about Islam and purchased books written by both atheist and Christian intellectuals. My worldview throughout this time remained a Christian one, though I did not realize that because I saw Christianity mainly as the Western world sees it today, as demonstrated by the "Christian" hypocrites that seem to be ubiquitous. I saw after reading books written by Christian intellectuals that all that time, my thinking had never truly changed; I had simply rejected modern "Christianity" as practiced in the mainstream, and I will never again accept it.
I became a Christian of my own accord because through years of thought (though I was very young, I admit; but I was far from stupid) and research, I slowly made an intellectual commitment to Christianity. I still frequently purchase books by both Christian and atheist authors, and I still find the ones written by Christian authors to make far more sense and to be more cohesive. I have also found, and this is a bit of a non-sequitur, that every atheist book I've read (lol atheist book; as if inanimate objects can be atheist or Deist or Muslim
) rejects mainly the same modern caricature of Christianity that I do.... I find myself agreeing with those authors an awful lot when it comes to that (Dawkins, Hitchens, etc.)... But they don't even come close to attacking actual Christianity, or the Christian worldview... It amuses me, if I'm completely honest... Anyway, I've never met anyone else who's actually read both sides; most merely go by the concrete things they observe in others' lives, and only read literature that they agree with. I was and am an odd one. Often I wish I were more vocal in threads like these... There are so many misconceptions stated in them, that I fully understand and once held myself... I always want so badly to respond to some, but I am usually too afraid of having it turn into eight other people versus myself, essentially, because I have spent more than enough time here to
know that I am the only person who either thinks a certain way or has certain knowledge about different topics. PMs are good, basically.
I have remained a Christian because through Christ, I have found life. There is not happiness or glory to be found in a relationship with Him, but there is peace and a deep kindness and graciousness. There is beauty. For now, I attend a church while I'm at school; I don't attend my parents' church while at home because the current one contains the same disingenuousness that I've seen at almost every one I've been to. The one here has genuine people, though, who are deeply caring and loving, and who care for the local community in a way that not many other churches do, that I have witnessed. Following Christ is a commitment to gentleness, compassion, and rigorous intellectual thought and discussion, and most churches do not follow that at all because, frankly, the vast majority are committed instead to normalcy, obedience, and hypocrisy and contain few, if any, Christians. I would not at all mind moving to San Francisco and starting up a home church in that area...
I intend on raising my children to be questioning and to embrace both doubt and faith, simultaneously. I don't ever want them to be mindless, or to have a vague sense of faith purely because it is tradition. I want them to truly believe whatever they believe wholeheartedly, and to follow it... I'll be willing to answer any questions they have in full and direct them to research it and think about it for themselves if I cannot answer (though I'll ask them for "updates" on their research to make sure they're looking at credible things
). They will
never be mindless followers of an egotistical pastor. Never, ever. And my love for them will be unconditional; every child, every person,
needs that, and if they choose not to follow Christ and receive it from Him, I will still give it to them, as their parent. I am
sick of the portrayal of Christians as anti-intellectual, anti-thinking morons and stupid hicks. I wish those who think that of all of us would stop listening to what is said to them by vehemently anti-Christian people and stop looking at the media portrayal and stop looking at the hypocrisy rampant in many churches and just..... Sigh. I don't know. But I'm sick of it. I wish they'd talk to me, or to my friends, on a deeper level. It's not true, and I fully reject that brand of "Christianity" and its insular, judgmental bubble, just as much as they do. I just... I don't know. It hurts, but then on another level I don't mind; I know who and how I am, and I know what my relationship with Christ is, and I certainly agree with them in many ways, sooooo. I often just chuckle.
My children will also be raised on music written primarily by men who are now deceased and on classic, thought-provoking literature.
I will read to them every day, until they ask me to stop because they are too old.
I will also be sad but will understand if they don't enjoy discussion and debate.
Anyway, yeah. There you have it. Wasn't very eloquent at all because... well. I don't know. This is the first time I've said all of this here. I figured, two pages in and there hasn't been even the start of a flame war yet. Guess I'll comment for once, instead of just voting.
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